How to Nurture Healthier Connections.

1. Get to know your inherent needs:

Understanding your needs is essential for healthy relationships. Once you identify your needs and understand what is required to feel safe and secure, others’ opinions, judgments, or behaviors that act against your needs may not matter as much. When someone shows that they may not be capable of honoring your needs, it’s easier to accept that they may not be in alignment with what is suitable for you. Take time to know yourself apart from what you believe others expect from you. List five essential things you want in your relationships, i.e., trust, kindness, honesty, patience, and calm. 

2. Understand your values.

When you get upset about a situation, ask yourself, “Why am I reacting to this situation?” instead of “how could they do this to me,” or “why is this happening to me?” Feelings such as anger, sadness, hurt, and fear could be warning signs that something doesn’t align with your values in what you want to experience in relationships.

3. Practice authenticity.

This is the practice of letting go of the thought that you need someone else's approval to be accepted and loved. If others do not receive your authentic choices, ask yourself if they match who you are or want to become. If it’s a relationship you want to nurture, investigate what they wish to be different and ask why. This tool offers more information about their values/needs and their perception/expectations of you. This information will help you choose whether to work on a collaborative compromise or re-evaluate the relationship.

4. Be ok with making and forgiving mistakes.

"To become our best selves, we first have to be our worst selves." Making mistakes is part of leading you to the person you are meant to be – you need this information for the future. Taking responsibility for your actions is essential, but don't punish yourself or others if they’re willing to work on themselves. Accept that you are perfectly imperfect - we can only do our best with what we know.

5. Get comfortable with setting boundaries.

Setting proper boundaries in your relationships will help you take things less personally. You set these boundaries by saying no to work, love, or activities you don't want to do or that harm you emotionally. Doing too much to please others can make you anxious and drained, potentially building resentment and unauthentic one-sided relationships. Boundaries also help others attend to your needs with more authenticity.

6. Let things go.

You can use hard or painful experiences to build strength, empathy, and character instead of letting them define you or limit you from trusting others. Holding on to something out of your control or that cannot be changed can perpetuate the original challenge and potentially block you from creating and having new corrective experiences. Try practicing radical acceptance to build compassion for others’ choices, perceptions, and differences that are challenging. This does not mean nurturing a relationship that doesn’t feel good, but holding resentment or anger wears on the body and mind.

7. Understand expectations.

We sometimes expect that if we’re giving and kind, we should be treated the same way. But giving to others doesn’t always earn love, acceptance, and approval. People view connection differently and with varying ideas on how they would like to receive from others. If others behave in ways we dislike, it is information on whether that person aligns with our needs and values. Evaluate your expectations and ask yourself if it honors the myriad ways one connects to the external world.

8. Investigate your reactions.

When something upsets you or makes you uncomfortable, it’s helpful to investigate the situation: Did the other person do something hurtful, or is something triggering you, and why? By consciously acknowledging and accepting that you are reacting, then naming the feeling allows you to learn more about what you need from others or what you need to work on in your interpersonal relationships.